new year's reflection + rambling

 

Hi, everyone; this blog post is slightly more personal than my others. It's just reflection and me venting my frustrations, nothing major.

I feel like I always get randomly depressed around the start of each new year. Don't get me wrong, I'm incredibly grateful to be here to experience another year, but I feel kinda weird about it because I'm like, "Ok, wow, another year wasted away doing nothing." and my family always tells me, "Rina, you're young, smart, and beautiful. You're still in high school; what are you really supposed to be doing anyway?".

I don't know! I just thought that my life would be different, that I'd have a different high school experience than the one I've been experiencing. I don't have many hobbies outside of gal that anyone in my circle actively engages in. I have a minimal social circle, but it's not like anyone cares about my interests outside of makeup and clothes!!

*SIGH* I'm frustrated ok...

Please don't misinterpret my words, I like having an audience to share all this stuff with, but sometimes, I wish I could abandon social media and start over. Like every facet of my identity since 2020? I want to scrub it clean from people's memory. I wish I could form a new version of myself in their minds. I'm not happy with who I am. I want to do things differently, and if given the chance, I'd gladly start over >,<

I feel more dreadful about being online than most people, I think. (my F-tier gal life...) I spend too much time online it seriously starting to rot my brain. This is exactly why I hope that I'll be able to make friends this year. Y'know, like-minded people who are as serious about fighting games and gyaru as I am? But none of that seems likely, so in the meantime,e I'll just imagine I have the things I want already instead of complaining about not possessing them.

(I feel really insightful rn like him)

I think one thing that's been keeping my company is playing visual novels and RPGs. Recently, I used my Christmas money to finally buy Persona 3 Portable, which I've been really enjoying so far ^o^. It's kept me thoroughly busy during the heavy snowfall. I'm playing as the fem protag, kotone, so no spoilers, ok? 

I think that I'm really emotionally attached to the soundtrack of every persona game, but I think that Time is probably the one track that I love the most out of any of the songs from any of the many games in the franchise. It sounds peaceful and lonely. It makes me nostalgic to hear it.

The Lyrics are pretty sad to me personally:

Time

Old dry winds go by

Lone air comes quietly

Time

Old dry winds go by

Uncertain space you need to fill in

Every time goodbye to yesterday

Greeted by today

Smiling to tomorrow

No one really belongs

Each time we hope to stay around

I know how you feel

Beyond your words

Despite them being sad, I relate to them a lot. I'm just upset that I feel disconnected from everyone in my world. I want that to change this year. I want to be close to the people closest to me. I refuse to let time pass me by before I attempt to improve my life.

Whew, that was a lot! (EMBARASSING.) But before I finish writing, I'd like to thank you all for reading my blog. I pray that all your wishes come true this year. 

Until next time, bye-bye, stay sweet.